Lost in the Wilderness
by Cantoris
Summary: Lost in the Wilderness/Lost, slowly dying in the wilderness/With no chance of living boy until you confess/You're lost in the wilderness. Mal and River share a song one night in the black. Non-pairing, post BDM.


My first Firefly fic and my first songfic which is shocking considering half my soul is music. I was listening to my iPod at work one day and then hit myself on the forehead from not making the connection sooner.

_Children of Eden_ is a musical written by Danny Kosarin. Act I focuses on Adam and Eve and the first family during and after Eden. Act II explores Noah and his family during and after the flood. Throughout the musical, God is only ever called Father and is listed that way in the call list. Fabulous music and a wonderfully truthful and refreshing retelling of the book of Genesis, I highly recommend it.

The song I'm using is also the title I've given to this.

_Lost in the Wilderness_

For all that _Serenity _was _his _ship, when it came down to it, Captain Malcolm Reynolds actually was a fairly tolerant man. Fairy lights around Kaylee's door, the hammock in the engine room, dinosaur toys on the bridge… if it was something that made his crew happy, Mal allowed it no matter how bizarre.

So when River had come back from a supply run with some old tapes from Earth-that-was, despite the title, Mal just told the girl to keep the volume down so as not to disgruntle anyone else—read, Jayne—since the girl claimed the music kept the voices from taking over.

And no one wanted the voices to take over.

So when Mal heard the faint sounds of a melody late one night as he wandered the ship, he felt that he was justified in tracking down the source and telling River to save it for another time. It was late at night, and no one was sleeping as well these days as they used to. Too tense, too lonely, or too busy in Simon and Kaylee's case.

He found her on the bridge, overseeing the autopilot guiding them to Beaumont for a drop of semi-legitimate cargo. Before he could open his mouth, the chords of music pulled back to make room for the single voice.

_I never made this world, I didn't even lose it  
And I know no one said it was fair  
_

He had been a young man still when the Alliance had begun using military force instead of just persuasion and blackmail to get the other worlds under control. His mama had tried to keep the worst of the atrocities from him, but once the Independents starting fighting back, that was all anyone could talk about. And like the fire-filled, full of ideals, young idiot that he was, he signed up to fight. Because if there was one thing his mama had taught him, it was that every man deserved to think for himself.

_But they had a garden once  
They had the chance to choose it_

_They gave it away including my share_

No one really knew _why_ the Alliance had started the Unification movement so forcibly. After the Anglo-Sino Alliance and other hangers-on had started to settle and terraform the newly-discovered planets, it seemed that the Alliance was content to have its planets all nice and neighborly in the center while the free spirits claimed the outer territories.

Then the Alliance had started talking. Talking to mayors and other leaders, talking up the benefits that came of being allied. Some listened, others didn't. And somewhere along the line, the Alliance decided that they knew best and didn't bother with talking anymore._  
_

_And now we're lost in wilderness  
Lost, crying in the wilderness_

It hadn't been a hard decision, to stay on the move, stay in the black, away from those _hundans_ that had no trouble devastating Mal's men and once everything was over, no trouble smiling and saying, "now isn't it all better that we've won and you know it?"

Zoe had been behind him through it all. She'd seen the writing on the wall as clearly as he did, though she made him spell it out for her just to see what he would say. In the black, in the wilderness, they could still pretend they were in control of their lives._  
_

_And if anyone's watching it seems they couldn't care less  
We're lost wilderness  
_

Preacher had faith, Mal had to give him that. Back on Shadow, Mal had believed in God and thought that He was around even during the war until Serenity Valley. It wasn't that Mal didn't think there was a God, just that He must not care about the people scurrying about their lives or praying to Him for help or thanks. After the Valley, after years of flying from port to port, and especially Miranda, Mal couldn't bring himself to believe that believing in God actually got something done.

Knowing that the Operative sent after them had believed just made Mal all the more angry and confused. How could a monster like that still believe that God was out there and wanted these atrocities done, all for a so-called better world? Mal was many things that were unsavory, being a thief, a smuggler, and stone-cold killer when the need arose, but at least he didn't have the _youjili _to try to say it was for a higher cause. Mal did was he did for the survival of himself and his crew and anyone else he felt had claim on him._  
_

_You follow all the rules  
You swallow all the stories  
And every night you wish on a star  
Dreaming your day will come, trusting in allegories  
And every morning boy look where you are  
_

Brilliant mind, wealthy upbringing, and medical training… seemed like the doc had it all in spades, far as Mal could tell. Golden future in front of the boy because he had done what was expected. He had followed the rules of society that Mal had rejected long ago. And for all that Simon was now on the run, sacrificing that life and future for his sister, he could tell the boy still wanted to go back. Boy still acted like a Core-world doctor, for all that life was far and away from him.

When the doc and his sister looked like they were going to be more permanent than temporary annoyances, Mal thought he knew what he was in for. Sure, the doc had no sense or self-preservation as far as he could tell and stuck out like a sheep wearing a sundress and no need to get into the girl's quirks. Doc knew his trade, though, Mal had to admit. And once it seemed like they knew what River was capable of, she seemed like an asset to the crew as well._  
_

_Lost in the Wilderness  
Lost, slowly dying in the wilderness  
With no chance of living boy, until you confess  
You're lost in the wilderness  
_

No one traveled the black unless they had to. Those cushy Core people had no idea what it was like out on the edge of reason and Mal had to admit to some combination of twisted pride and amusement, watching the doctor try to retain some semblance of those useless practices when no around gave a damn. Boy hadn't even thought Reavers were real when anyone out and about in the black knew about_ that_ reality. 'Course, thanks to their little stunt after Miranda, now the whole Core world knew Reavers to be a true nightmare as much as any other Rim world denizen.

Inara had said it. They were all lost in the woods and his response was just as true. Out in the black, he could see clearly. It was simple: find a job, do the job, get paid, keep flying. Sure there were sometimes little hitches in that simple plan—fine, those little hitches were often big hitches and happened more frequently than Mal cared to admit. But on those nights, when _Serenity_ was quiet and they were flying as if no other ship existed between the planets, those were the times Mal knew where he was going and why._  
_

_Don't you ever watch the eagle fly to the sun  
And wonder how he got to be so free  
If you ever have you know your journey's begun  
Hey what've we got to lose boy, when already we are  
Lost in the wilderness  
_

No words could describe what went through Mal when he first saw _Serenity_, but only one word could describe what she meant: freedom._  
_

_And where we are headed boy, I couldn't guess but  
Off we go without a warning  
Running as we hit the ground  
Where our future lies a-borning  
Where our hearts are outward bound  
Till one bright and distant morning  
We may stop and look around  
And there in the wilderness  
Finally we'll be found! _

"After Eden, they were thrown out into chaos," River's quiet voice followed the last resounding note as Mal took the opposite seat from the girl.

"Who, Lil' Albatross?"

"Eve, Adam. Then baby boy cried in the storm, then the second. Cain and Abel, the first brothers."

"Thought you didn't hold with the Shepherd's Bible," Mal tossed out with a small smile. He had heard most of the story from Zoe as they had flown away from Canton.

"This is different. Tells the story with more than just words."

"Ah, yes. Pretty music, too, set my mind spinning."

There was no point hiding the thoughts the song had provoked in him, _gorram_ girl was probably following his every thought as he was thinking it.

"Which little wanderer was singing?" Mal asked.

"Cain. First baby boy. He was angry, angry at Adam, angry at Father. Wanted more than what he knew. Set out to find more and found it, but wanted baby brother to come with. Fought with Abel, fought with Adam and Abel got in the way. The first murder."

"Seems I remember Cain being cursed by God after that little event," Mal added.

River moved her eyes from the stars to Mal.

"Cain _was_ cursed. Cursed to wander, but the curse wasn't total. Found love and happiness even if he never saw his family again. Made a new family."

After a moment, Mal said, "We all do, Albatross."


End file.
